I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
