Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
