Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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