...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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