bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
