I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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