Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
