I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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