before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
