i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
