he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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