I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
