It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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