I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
