the only muscles i have these days is kegels
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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