Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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