remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
