he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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