He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize