i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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