I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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