I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
