Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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