I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
