walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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