I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
