the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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