you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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