I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
