I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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