He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
