but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
