Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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