my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
