And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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