Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize