After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
