I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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