Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
