My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
