if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
