dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
