That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
