I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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