I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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