She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
