Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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