My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
sex in a hospital.. check
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize