really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
