She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
