just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
