i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
whose parrot is this?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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