I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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