We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
