His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
