I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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