I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
