It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
