Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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