Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
