I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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